And then God got my attention. . .

Sometimes we are blind to that which we are called to do. And sometimes God has to smack us upside the head to get our attention. Sometimes it takes falling down time and time again before we finally find our "right" path and start putting one foot in front of the other to first walk and then run full speed ahead towards our calling, our purpose, what we were put here on earth to do. Over the past week or so, God has revealed something HUGE to me. He has revealed my purpose - my path - the one I'm supposed to walk. Now I have to figure out how to get on the path and start walking. For many years, I dreamed of losing tons of weight and then opening a wellness center for women. A place where struggling women could come to better themselves with the help of other women. Exercise classes, nutrition classes, massage therapy, pedicures, manicures, facials, a wonderful - magical - zen like - space where women could come and hang out with one another and get not only their body/mind nurtured, but also their spirit. This was what I dreamed. This was what I wanted. This was my goal. For years! I couldn't open such a spa because I was never good enough. I was never thin enough. I was never pretty enough. How could someone like me - fat, old, broken down, lethargic, blah - inspire others to find their inner beauty - their inner goddess? As I am, I foolishly thought, would make for some really bad advertising for my business. And the last thing I need in life is more failure! So I put it on hold. I put my dream on hold. Waiting. Waiting to be thin enough, good enough, pretty enough. Now I'm 51. If I wait much longer, I'll be dead! And then it happened. God showed me over and over and over again this past week that this spa idea of mine is NOT my earthly purpose. It's not why I'm here. It's close, but it's not 100% in line with God's plan. And that, I believe, is the reason I've been so torn these past 40 years. I haven't been living in accordance with God's plan - God's will. I've been fighting against Him and what He wants for my life. . . and I've been miserable. Because I've been miserable, I've created a miserable life for myself. Gambling and drugs and food and anything and everything I could think of to drive people away from me. Alienation. I created a life of alienation for myself. And it sucks! This life I've designed absolutely sucks! And now. . . I know. I know what I am to do. I am to share my pain - my misery - with other women. I am to rip off the mask - get real with myself and others - tell others about my pain - and just be me. As I am. By letting others know - by speaking the unspeakable - by saying my truth - I will make it safe for others to do the same. When they do that - they will free themselves making it possible to love self. When we love self, we accept self. When we accept self, we can love and accept others. And when we can do that, we can live. . . really live. . .an authentic life. . . the one we were meant to live.