Step by Step

Why is it that I can clearly identify what I want, but I can't seem to take the steps necessary to make my wants a reality? Are all humans like that? Are some humans like that? Or is it just me? Am I flawed in the "make it happen" department? When God was handing out the "get er done" genes, did He skip me? What gives? Truly, I'm a gifted list maker. I have a list for everything! I have notebooks, post-em notes, jounals, backsides of envelopes and even a computer full of lists - things to do - things to get - things to buy. But when it comes to implementation, well, frankly, I feel stuck. It's like having both feet deeply planted in cement or quicksand. I just can't take a step - the step that will get me closer to my goal. Actually, that's not altogether true. There are times when I can take "a" step - singular, but I can't seem to take the next one or two or ten or twenty. It's almost as if I need instant gratification. If "a" step doesn't net the results I expect, then I quit. I don't quit making lists; I just quit taking steps towards the end goal. And so my lists never become realities. They just remain lists. Little pieces of paper all over my life reminding me that all my many dreams are not my reality. It's really quite senseless. If I have the ability to dream it in the first place and the ability to write it on a piece of paper, then surely I have the ability to make it happen. Perhaps I'm overwhelmed by the number of steps required to make my wants a reality. Maybe it all feels too huge, too unmanagable, too much. Maybe I shut it down before I ever really try, because I've somehow convinced myself that it's impossible so why even bother. Or maybe I'm convinced that I'm not worthy, that I don't deserve the things on my lists. Such bullshit! In the time I've taken to write these thoughts, I could have gone for a walk or written a song or practiced piano or called an old friend or made love to my husband or any number of things that would move me closer to where and what I want to be. I need to take my head out of the game and let my body run the show for awhile. If my body were in charge all these many years, I do believe my lists would BE my reality. Yeah, I think I'll try that for awhile - letting my body be the boss instead of my mind. Now if I can just remember to do that. Maybe I should make a list.