Someone, Please Turn On The Light

A thought comes in. If it's dark, it's all encompassing, all consuming, like a weed, it takes over until it owns me. If it's not dark, it doesn't last long, it doesn't prevail, it doesn't conquer. It is there but a minute and then it's gone again. Where did it go? Why oh why can't I get it back? The darkness I can fight against all day and all night, which only causes it to grow deeper roots and me to become completely exhausted. It's as if the fight is water mixed with the proper amount of miracle grow - just makes the darkness stronger - harder to kill. Damn it! Why does this happen? Why can't I stop it? What is so wrong with me? Do I not have education? Do I not have good life experience? Do I not have opportunity? Do I not have light within? What? What? What is wrong? Darkness loves me. Light eludes me. It hates me. It refuses to plant itself and take up residency - something I really long for. What possible reason is there to go on? To wake another day? To breathe another breath? Why? So that darkness can breed making itself more prevalent, more life consuming, more soul sucking? Breath for me is like gasoline on a fire. It spreads evil, wicked, torment, black, it feeds the demon within. Happiness, joy, love, light, laughter I cannot have. Not for more than a second or two. And those seconds grow farther and farther apart it seems. I can't remember the last time they were here with me. So long ago. I have a memory of them, but my memories grow weaker and weaker and the good gets harder to recall. Will the day come when I won't know them at all? As if they never existed? If dark has its way, that is exactly what shall become of me. Walking death. No life. No love. No happiness or joy. Only dark. Only pain. Only sorrow. I don't want that. I don't want my life to become that. Is it better to die then to go on living and letting dark have its way with me? I believe it might be. I can't find a reason to live for this - for darkness. It has stolen most of my life now. Little is left. It won't be happy until it has all of me and I can't be happy with any of it. I don't know what tools, if any, will destroy it. For if I did, I would buy a truckload and get to work. Dig, pick, pull - do whatever necessary to get it out or die trying. I'd buy tools for friends and family too and let them have a go at the life sucking demon. Does the world need people like me in order to know the good - the happiness - the joy it has? Is that my purpose here? To make life better for others? If that is so, then there must be others like me - carrying more than their fair share of darkness. I can't help but wonder whether they too have written a blog about the pain they face on a near daily basis. I wonder if they have sat in their rooms considering whether someone like me existed. Maybe we should all get together and share war stories - to see whether we can "one up" each other in the darkness department. Ha! I can visualize the party invites in my mind now. "Hey. . . does your life absolutely suck? If so, join others just like you and compare life horror stories. Yeah, come one, come all, make a new friend - someone else who can let you down on a regular basis since there's absolutely no room for happiness in that dark, fucked up life of yours. No need to RSVP (the hostess doesn't need yet another let down when your sorry ass doesn't show up) just come on over if you don't kill your worthless self first." Hmm. Maybe not. I don't see how any good could come from that sort of a party, or should I say gathering? "Party" just somehow doesn't capture the spirit of the thing. So if I can't fight the fight on my own and if there are no tools in the toolshed to kill the demons within and if a gathering of other dark-minded folks won't work, whatever should I do? Is 51 too young to die? I don't really know. Since I don't really know, maybe I should wait until I find another possible solution. In the meantime, perhaps I'll take another pill and see if I can't numb myself to the darkness. Pretend it doesn't have power. Hide from it. Fake happiness for the good of others. It's 10:30 now. If I ingest now, happiness or some fabricated form of it, should come knocking on my dark mind in about an hour.