Yesterday I attended my first ever meditation retreat. The retreat was scheduled from 10:00 a.m. until 4:00 p.m. I hung in there until 2:30 p.m., which was very good I thought for someone who's never meditated longer then about 10 minutes at one time. I had a little difficulty following the rules - like the "no talking" rule and the "donation recommendation of $95.00 - $35.00" rule and the "don't look at anyone else" rule and the "don't leave early but if you do let the instructor know so she won't worry about you" rule - but other than that, I think I stayed in bounds most of the day. Oh, one more thing. Though this wasn't on the official rule list, it probably should have been and had it been, I would have broken one more. The "don't steal" rule. Yeah, I know - lame, right? I couldn't help myself. There were these really beautiful rocks lining the church flower gardens that I spotted on my first walking meditation, and I just had to have one. Ok, make that two. Wouldn't have happened had I not been following the "keep your eyes down" rule, cause I wouldn't have seen them otherwise. So it's really the rule maker's fault that I was tempted in the first place! They (the rocks) just called out to me. "Hey you, Ms. Meditation Girl, I'd make a really nice souvenir". So I brought them home with me and set them on my dresser. Wonder if I'll ever pick them up or even notice them in the future? Hmm. Maybe I shouldn't have stolen the rocks. I probably just caused myself a lot of bad karma. And for what? Rocks that will do nothing more than collect dust on my dresser. Yeah, probably a bad idea. Note to self: if you ever go back to the Unity Temple, return the stolen rocks! So what did I get out of this experience? I went for two reasons: 1st because a friend asked me to go and 2nd because I was hoping to find or connect with my spirit. For those of you who haven't read my earlier blog entries, I'm on this mission of sorts - to find my spirit and not let thoughts control my life. Anyway, I was really hoping to get plugged in - connected - to spirit. Sadly, I must confess that it didn't happen. It wasn't because I didn't try. I did! I tried my heart out! I did sitting meditations. I did walking meditations (that's when I stole the rocks). I did eating meditation. I did moving meditation (which was really lame by the way, because the leader just made shit up as she went along and got me all off balance). And last but not least, I did guided meditations. While I didn't find my spirit (which is really a disappointment to me), I'm glad I went because of reason number 1. My friend invited me. I showed up. I accepted an invitation and then I followed through. I didn't find 50 reasons to cancel at the last minute, which is progress for me. I didn't allow my negative thoughts to talk me out of going at the very last minute. Oh sure, they were there (though not as loud as usual), but I didn't let them control me. And I'm so glad I didn't. I enjoyed being with my friend and her husband. We had coffee together in the morning, I did my walking meditation with my friend (that's when we broke the "no talking" rule). We ate lunch together (in silence - wink/wink). And they drove me back to my car when the three of us skipped out early (breaking yet another rule). This shared experience with a (new) friend was simple enough, but it was so powerful at the same time. I can't say why exactly. It just was. She felt it too. She told me - more than once - that she was so glad I came. And I told her that we needed to do more activities together. She agreed! I've spent so many years lonely because I have a difficult time connecting with people. I've always just assumed that folks wouldn't like me if they got to know me very well. Because of that, I've spent way too much time by myself. . . lonely. But this new person in my life seems to like me just fine. She hung out with me for more than a minute and she didn't run away. She seems to enjoy my company and I know I enjoy hers. Hey. Wait a damn minute. Maybe spirit did reveal itself to me. Maybe I just didn't realize it in the moment. Maybe me connecting with spirit wasn't in the meditation. Maybe, just maybe, it was about my friend. Maybe I connected with my own spirit as I spent time with a friend bonding. It was in my time with her that I felt "whole". Don't get me wrong. The meditation was nice for what it was - relaxing. I didn't feel enlightened or anything. But the time spent with my friend - just hanging out - just being with one another - was when I felt most alive. Yeah, maybe spirit did reveal itself to me. And now that I've seen it, felt it, I know I like it and want more of it. It was a good day. Thank you spirit. Thank you for being there and for showing up, even if I wasn't paying attention. . . in the moment.
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